Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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