Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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