the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
