Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i would one night stand the shit outta him
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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