OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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