Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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