I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
