just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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