She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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