i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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