This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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