The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
