Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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