What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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