Already got asked if we're dating
I wannas sexs uuuuu
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
