Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
