don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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