Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
