Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
