Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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