I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
