Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
