Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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