Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
