So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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