pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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