the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
