just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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