I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I understand Curling. That high.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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