mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
