be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
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Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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