someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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