Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
