based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
