I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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