so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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