Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
