WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
