listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
