I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
