Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
