Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
