Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
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Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
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Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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