God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
