You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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