Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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