dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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