a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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