Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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