i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
