Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
