Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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