Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
