Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
